Toilets East West

I was in Tokyo Narita Airport a few weeks ago en route home. After several cups of green tea, I was in a mad and urgent dash for the loo. I burst into a stall and plopped myself down. After the initial blissful moment of relief, I began looking around for the toilet paper. Instead, I found a series of small buttons alongside my toilet. Fascinated, I looked closer. The first button read, “Shower: For the Posterior.” Oh. The second button read “Bidet,” leaving its non-posterior targets up to the user’s imagination. The third button read, “Flushing sound.” Curious, I pushed the flushing sound button, at which point a very artificial gurgling sound emanated from the depths of the toilet bowl for exactly twenty seconds. Completely enchanted, I pushed it again to see if it would do it again, and it willingly obliged. I was completely fascinated at this point, and I toyed with the idea of staying in the stall a little while longer and playing around with the toilet bowl buttons, but my flight was due to leave soon and I had other pressing matters, i.e. duty free, to get to. Why couldn't we have all these great amenities attached to our toilets? I found myself deeply disappointed in our public waste system units.

Upon my return home, another toilet adventure shortly followed. I was in a very upscale, chi chi club and went to the bathroom. When I tried to flush the toilet, the toilet paper refused obstinately to flush down. I tried flushing a second time, then a third, then a fourth. At this point, I became aware of another person who was also in the bathroom and presumably listening to what sounded like a serious obsessive-compulsive behavioral attachment to the toilet. I gave up and exited the stall to find her looking at me askance. “I’m not really OCD," I told her, “I just couldn’t get the toilet to flush.”

Who needs a flushing sound when the toilet doesn't work anyway?